In The Trenches
CERTIFYING AGENTS & RATING PROCESSORS?
SHOULD WE OR SHOULD'NT WE?
by Steven Pavent
Wanted: A processor that can give me a buy rate of 1.25%, .02 cents a transaction, no minimum and $1.00 statement fee with 100% above. Processor must accept
applications by internet, fax, email and smoke signals and, by the way, we do not want to have to do any site surveys or get any supporting documentation. We
also do not want any risk and require our MID and TID in 30 seconds. We want to be able to call you anytime, day or night and NEVER get voice mail. Processor
must provide gift & loyalty, check services and in house leasing that funds yesterday without originals or a verbal. It doesn't matter if you make a profit,
but you had better send me my residuals by the 1st day of the next month. Lastly, you must provide excellent customer service, technical support and
chargeback management. For this we will write 50 clean deals each month. We will provide front line customer support and excellent follow up. We will learn
the business and send in clean and complete paperwork. Any additional paper work required will be provided promptly if the application gets pended. Our
company is built on integrity and will give FULL DISCLOSURE, follow up phone calls and birthday and holiday cards to our merchants. This keeps our attrition
rate at 0%.
I will write every account at the buy rate so I can earn $1000.00 leasing a terminal. The customer will think he can cancel the lease or merchant contract
any time he wants with no consequences. Cut the 50 deals a month down to 10, and that's counting the bankrupt psychic selling diet pills over the internet! I
will send incomplete applications, ignore your requests for additional info and then be angry when my deals are not approved. I will call you at all times of
the day and night and ask you questions that are clearly answered in the training material that you sent me. Who's got time to read that? Oh, and answering a
question once won't do, so I will call you several months in a row asking the same question. I really would return my customers' phone calls, but I can't
show my face in any of their stores again after the bogus bill of goods I sold them!
PROCESSOR / ISO AD
Wanted: Quality agents only! We pay 99% of the residual income plus a huge up-front bonus! We have buy rates of 1% and no transaction fee with no minimum and
a .50 cent statement fee. Did we mention that you get 99% above? With our 1% we'll provide quality service to your customers and your office. We will pay
your residuals to the next 3 generations of your offspring. Oh, did we mention we'll never sell our business! Finally, you'll get applications approved
before you even write the deals.
We'll take any agent that will fog a mirror. Your 99% is only on the residuals earned on every other Tuesday. Didn't you read the fine print? Also we are
only paying you on 99% after we've figured in some mid-qualified, non-qualified, annual fee income we didn't tell you about. We figured if you don't read the
training manual you won't read or understand the agreement. Anyone that can wait through the one hour hold times will receive quality service and don't
bother leaving a message or sending an email because we don't check or respond to them. You and your children must continue to send us 30 deals a month to
receive your residuals. But, I wouldn't worry about that because we'll be selling the company. All of those instant MID's were approved with a 100% reserve
until we could properly underwrite them. Don't worry about what happens to the merchant if they're not approved or approved with a rolling reserve! Last,
could you please resend that paperwork that you've already mailed, emailed, faxed and sent pony express 18 times, we just can't find it.
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